You are Worth More Than Crumbs

I got caught up on the Jonah Hill - Sarah Brady text messaging saga. I didn’t want to. Truth be told, I was fighting with my husband and needed some quiet time away from the conflict. Why not get invested in someone else’s drama for a little while?Plus, I’m a mental health professional and I had heard mentions of “boundaries” and accusations of “emotional abuse” floating around. Many of my clients had enjoyed Hill’s therapy documentary, Stutz, so I figured, why not take a look? 

A Summary of The Tea

If you are also catching up on this real-life drama playing out in the media, here’s a summary. Jonah Hill and Sarah Brady dated. He is an actor and she is a professional surfer. They went public with their relationship in August 2021. According to Brady, they texted as friends after their split, and their final text exchange was August 2022. During their relationship, Brady alleges that Jonah Hill was “emotionally abusive” in his texts, which she released in her Instagram stories in July 2023. Screenshots of these text messages have lit up the internet, resulting in dozens of salaciously-headlined stories and transcripts about their exchanges. Jonah Hill had a baby with Olivia Millar earlier this year. Sarah Brady went public with her text messages with Hill after the baby was born, so that there would not be a negative impact on the mother or child (side note: speaking as a Scorpio myself, this move plus Brady being so candid about it has me convinced that she has Scorpio in her birth chart).As of the publication of this article, Jonah Hill has not responded to these allegations.

What Did Jonah Hill Want?

According to the text messages - and resulting transcripts by the media - Jonah Hill wanted Sarah Brady to modify her personal and professional life for his sake. He wanted her to take photos of her body off Instagram, including photos and videos that show her as a professional surfer in a bathing suit. In some of these photos and videos, she is actually surfing.He wanted her to not be friends with certain people, both men and women. To not surf with men, even though most surfers are men. To not work as a model. Again, Jonah Hill wanted Sarah Brady to modify her personal and professional life for his sake. He wanted control over her life, both personally and professionally.  

Why Do We Care? 

I mean, seriously, compared to the Armie Hammer controversies of the last few years, the Hill-Brady texts are pretty tame.And THAT is the problem. As women, we have been programmed to be small and quiet and agreeable. To speak when spoken to. To believe that men are the leaders of the family with the last decisive word. To be beautiful, but not sexy; smart, but not outspoken; funny, but not to get attention. And especially to NOT rock the boat.As women, we have been led to believe that men are smarter, more powerful, and wiser than women. They are not. They are human. The brains of men are not specially packed with information about engineering, camping, and cars simply because their genitals hang outside of their bodies. As women, we have been convinced that partners who barely reach the lowest bar are not only acceptable, but what we deserve. We have been convinced that manipulation - instead of honesty, vulnerability, and communication - is the foundation for a healthy relationship. We have been conditioned to believe that everyone else’s needs are more important than our own. We have been programmed to ignore red flags.As women, we have been conditioned to beg for love. We do not demand cookies because we have been convinced that we only deserve crumbs. We aren’t even offered a seat at the table. We are picking crumbs up off the floor, licking our fingertips so the crumbs will stick and dabbing at the tiles underneath the table. 

Here’s What I Know

I’m going to say it again, as repetition equals significanceAs women, we have been conditioned to beg for love. We do not demand cookies because we have been convinced that we only deserve crumbs. I spent decades in relationships where all I received were crumbs. Every time I grew and figured out what I deserved and started negotiating for what I wanted in a relationship, I was rejected. Relationships ended.And I vowed to NEVER ACCEPT CRUMBS AGAIN. I DESERVE THE WHOLE COOKIE, AND TO EAT IT FROM THE TABLE.As a woman speaking to women, here is what you deserve from a relationship:

• Physical, emotional, and mental safety
• To be heard and understood
• Honest and clear communication
• Words and actions that match
• To feel cherished
• Appreciation and acceptance for who you are, as you are
• Effort
• Consideration
• Emotional intelligence (and the work it takes - as in, therapy - to get there)
• A partner in household tasks
• Responsibility taken by a partner for their own actions, thoughts, feelings, and beliefs
• Faithfulness - money and intimacy, especially
• Intimacy of all kinds
• Freedom to grow and change
• Fun
• Time and space to be alone and to grow friendships with others
• Safe conflict 

 This is off the top of my head. There’s so much more.How do you get the whole cookie? For me, it was therapy of many different kinds. Good friends who love and support me for who I am. Mentors who spoke truth into my life. Reading a lot of really good books. Facing my demons head on. Learning how to trust myself. But first, I had to believe it. I had to believe that I was worth more than crumbs. And hear me when I say, YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN CRUMBS.

Oh Yeah, Don’t Forget the Whole Therapy Thing

I was excited about Hill’s movie, Stutz. I mean, a dude willingly going to therapy? And then making a documentary about his experiences with his therapist? To be honest, that’s groundbreaking. However, it is because of this movie that Hill has received so much attention for these alleged text messages. Because Jonah Hill has put his life in therapy on display, he is looked at as an authority on mental health and relationships, for better or worse.Here’s the deal. Boundaries are limits that a person sets for themselves, not other people. His boundary might be that he doesn’t want a girlfriend who posts pics of her body in a bikini; instead of simply leaving the relationship, he imposed his “boundaries” on her, which is no longer a boundary, it’s controlling.He tried to impose his personal beliefs onto her, both personally and professionally, attempting to control how she dressed and who she associated with. His tone in these alleged texts is condescending and pedantic. This is misogynistic behavior. Instead of breaking up with her, he threatened to abandon the relationship if she didn’t change her behavior. That’s manipulation. Sarah Brady deserved better. And now, I hope she finds it. I hope she bypasses crumbs and chooses the whole cookie. And I hope Jonah Hill goes back to therapy.