Six Ways to Feel Like You Belong
I have felt like I don’t belong for my entire life. It is one of my original wounds, woven through my cells and tissue and muscle fibers, seeping deep into my bones.As a child, I grew up as an Army Brat in an abusive family, undergoing many unresolved trauma and grief experiences. Much of that resolved into this feeling that I don’t belong, and I talk here about how that specifically works. As these persistent feelings have risen to the surface, I have wondered how I can resolve how this message has permeated my life. How do I move forward, changing the messaging in my brain and body? Because I definitely belong now, even as past messaging tells me that I don’t. If you feel like you don’t belong, you are not alone. Here are some trauma-informed ways that we can gently change thoughts and feelings about belonging.
Get Curious and Rewire Your Brain
Beating ourselves up is usually the first line of defense to try and protect ourselves. As the saying goes, if beating ourselves up worked, it would have worked by now.An example: You are in the kitchen, you mistakenly put your hand on a hot burner, you get burned. Your brain keeps this information - the next time you see a burner, you remember the story of how you burnt your hand on it. You spend time berating yourself for getting burnt, being careless and distracted. You may even call yourself derogatory names. But you don’t have any awareness of what’s really going on here. In contrast, I invite you to try being curious. Another example: you mistakenly burn your hand on a hot burner. It doesn’t make a lot of sense. You’re experienced enough to know how stove burners work. You observe all of this and decide to try curiosity: “Ouch! I burnt my hand on the stove! What was that about?”You may realize that you were distracted, because your cat got out last night and you haven’t been able to find him. You are worried and stressed, preoccupied with your cat’s safety and desire to get him home. Suddenly, burning your hand on the burner makes sense. Curiosity is inherently loving. Using curiosity gives us space to be honest and feel safe in our bodies and brains. By using this skill, you are building a safe place of belonging within yourself.
Build Safe Attachments
Abuse happens in relationships, but so does healing. Safe attachments can go a long way toward building a sense of belonging with other people. Where can safe attachments be found? Mental health professionals are really good resources for building a safe attachment. These people are trained in how to create nonjudgmental spaces where we can act out our unsafe attachment behaviors and learn new relationship skills.Yes, seriously. I've done it. My clients do it. It is part of the healing process to - ahem - lose your sh*t with a therapist, as far as I'm concerned. With my therapist over our 16 years together, I have learned how to process my emotions and feelings, work out conflict, feel super exposed and vulnerable, experience consistent support, develop a sense of self, become aware of triggers and how to address them, and more. This is off the top of my head. I did all this work with NO shame. In fact, I've been learning how to become aware of shame as it pops up, and it DOES pop up for trauma survivors. I've also been learning what to do with the shame when I see it. Building a safe attachment with a mental health provider can become a blueprint for finding secure attachments out in the real world. The trick is to take the time to feel safe and to share a little bit at a time until you feel *really* safe. When you click with a mental health provider like a coach or therapist, this is a natural progression.
Join a Group That Requires Sharing
This can be any kind of group that requires a level of vulnerability. I've tried all kinds of groups and classes, and the ones that require me to be the most vulnerable are comedy improv and writing. The great thing about joining a group or class is that it's a lot easier for many trauma survivors (myself included) to build relationships while *doing* something. A common task or goal provides focus and relationships can develop more naturally, especially if small talk is not your thing (it's not mine). The groups or classes can be anything, really. What do you like to do? What activities have you always wanted to try? What class or group ideas give you those excited little butterflies in your belly?Go towards those desires. Sign up for that class or group. Being with other people while doing what you’re interested in is an ideal way to build and experience a sense of belonging.
Focus on Relationships That Reciprocate
Oomph, this has been a tough lesson for me. I come from a childhood where my needs, wants, thoughts, emotions, and feelings did not matter. My nervous system knows what that feels like and is very comfortable with that feeling. So guess what kind of romantic relationships I chose when I was younger? I chose people for whom my needs, wants, thoughts, emotions, and feelings did not matter. I was not supported well. The people I chose were largely emotionally unavailable to me. This kind of relationship can be a trauma bond, based on old patterns and wounds.This was a very comfortable situation for me, and allowed me a certain level of emotional safety. They didn't really care about me, and I didn't need to be vulnerable or share anything really deep with them, even though I *badly* wanted that.As I began to work through my trauma, grief, and shame experiences, I grew. A lot. And suddenly those emotionally unavailable relationships didn't work for me, and I began to find relationships that reciprocated connection, love, care, safety, vulnerability, and courage. I know I belong in these relationships.
Work Through Trauma, Grief, and Shame
This is not a one-and-done magic bullet for dealing with feeling like you don't belong. Working through trauma, grief, and shame is a lifelong practice, like eating healthy to avoid heart disease. Plus, like eating healthy foods, our culture works against us when it comes to dealing with issues arising from trauma and grief. Trauma, grief, and shame are interrelated. Often, when you work on one area, you are working on the other two areas at the same time. This is fortunate because recovery in these areas is slow work, and every step counts. Work with a mental health professional, take classes about mental health issues that resonate with you, join a support group - all of these can help build belonging while working on the wounds that created that “don’t belong” feeling.
Decide How You Want to Belong
It sounds cheesy, but learning to love yourself is by far the best step in feeling like you belong. One of the ways we can show love to ourselves is accepting how we are different from other people, and celebrating those differences. My example is that I am highly sensitive, more so than other people. I pick up on things that others do not see, hear, feel, or otherwise experience. This can be a lonely feeling. For example, when the pandemic began, I could see how detrimental this time period was going to be to our collective mental health. Some people around me couldn’t and didn’t want to talk about it, while others countered my assertions with toxic positivity. For a while, I felt like I was screaming into the void, or that my words were dissolving into the air as soon as I spoke. I started to feel invisible, and I caught myself being critical about how sensitive I am. I felt like a canary in a coal mine. I wasn’t sure I liked myself in this capacity. If you've grown up with childhood trauma and abuse, you have been taught to not like yourself by those who were supposed to love us. Plus, one of our survival skills as small, vulnerable children is to blame ourselves for bad things happening; to put responsibility where it belongs - for example, our parents - threatens our survival because we rely on them for our basic survival needs.Working through these patterns will help restore the love and safety that you need within your body and brain. My sensitivity and pandemic experiences taught me that I am sensitive. My curiosity kicked in and asked, “How do I want to use this gift in the world? In my life and relationships and with others on the internet?” All good questions. The kind of questions that help me decide how I want to belong.Don’t feel like you belong? I get it. The best part, though? You can change it.