Why I Stopped Taking Relationship Advice

This morning I opened my phone to find the following article titles on my social media accounts:

“6 Types of Guys to Avoid If You’re Looking for a Serious Relationship.”

“13 Signs They May Be Your Twin Flame.”

“When Does the Twin Flame Runner Stop Running”

I should change my morning routine. However, everywhere you go, someone is telling you what to do and what not to do in a relationship. Who are these people, and what makes them relationship experts? 

Listening to “everyone” 

I decided to dip a toe into the shallow dating pool after my boyfriend of two years abruptly broke up with me last year. 

Then, I encountered a man who was interesting and stable enough for me to buy a plane ticket and go through customs and immigration to spend a long weekend. And that’s when the relationship advice from my friends started rolling in like the tide.

“Girl, you need to love yourself first before you try to love someone else,” said one friend who was healing from the end of a four-year relationship. 

My therapist cautioned me to take my time. Another friend warned me that I should make sure he was serious about wanting a commitment before I invested in the relationship. Finally, friend number three advised me to ignore everyone else’s advice and “just go get you some.” 

Anna Runkle, also known as the “Crappy Childhood Fairy” on YouTube, teaches people to “recognize and heal the symptoms of Complex or Childhood Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome (CPTSD), especially when it comes to dating and relationships. An episode of Runkle’s channel was similar to my therapist’s advice. She recommends those seeking relationships, who have also suffered childhood abuse and neglect, should go on at least three short dates with someone before investing in a full-blown relationship.

After absorbing everyone’s advice, I was confused about the potential date and clear about one essential thing – I no longer trusted myself. 

 

The advice I’ve given 

People ask me for advice.

My social media posts, personal experiences, and conversations give friends the illusion that I have valuable wisdom to share. The truth is I’m making most of my life up as I go along and fail about 95 percent of the time. On any given day, I try to learn from my failures and celebrate my successes. 

Sometimes, I need to give better advice. For example, a work colleague asked me whether she should reconcile with a high school boyfriend. While they weren’t right for each other then, the spark returned every time she saw him while visiting her hometown, despite their previous differences. I counseled her to leave him behind and find someone who matched her ambitions and values. Fortunately, she ignored me. As a result, they have been happily married for a decade.

Other times I give practical advice. A friend in her late 40s at the time questioned whether she should date a man who was much younger than she. Most of her friends thought it was an awful idea. “Why should she date a man whose boyhood wasn’t that far in the rearview mirror?” they said. 

“Do you like him?” I asked her.

“Yes,” she said. 

“You are 48 years old, and I’ve known you for nearly 30 years,” I said. “I trust you. Date him if you want.”

The relationship didn’t last. However, she began trusting her wisdom, praying, meditating, and getting real about what type of relationship she wanted. Honesty, integrity, and clear communication now guide her relationships more than advice. I often ask her opinion about dating. 

“Remember what you told me,” she said.

Kicking everyone out  

Our childhood, parents, previous dating experiences, books, social media, and societal expectations can form a gumbo of relationship expectations in our heads and hearts. 

Many people post photos of themselves on a date night with their boo, looking happy, sexy, and compatible. Just once, I’d like someone to post of photo of how their relationship looks when their partner has gotten on their last nerves, and they are secretly thinking about where to bury the body should they go “missing.” I am not advocating domestic violence. But I wish we would be more realistic about the ups and downs of lasting, committed relationships. 

One evening, I decided to kick everyone out of my head – from my friends to YouTubers – and asked myself whether I wanted to get to know a new person, even if it meant enduring security checkpoints and long waits at the baggage claim. 

The answer was “yes” – not because of anyone’s advice or a rom-com example. I wanted to go because I value adventure and exploration. It was a lovely weekend. More importantly, I learned to trust myself again.