Why Self-Care (Alone) Doesn’t Work

Late winter is often a difficult time of year.In addition to gloomy, chilly weather in many climates, the gilded shine of the festive season becomes tarnished. The “new year/new me” resolutions fade as we realize we remain stuck as a version of ourselves that no longer serves us while facing the same problems.This month’s column is the second in a two-part series about why we need support to live our best lives. Humans are social creatures, as many of us learned during the quarantine phase of the global pandemic. Despite the commands of “self-love” and “self-care” as the modern equivalents of rugged individualism, we need a supportive community to live our best lives truly.Last month, I interviewed Sue Alexander and Reg Lenney about helping clients achieve their lifestyle goals through their company Rijooviness, “Life by design.”Sue specializes in Balinese, ancient indigenous, Hawaiian, and European healing modalities. Her various experiences allow her to design incredible treatments for potential guests and clients like me.Reg is the “coach’s coach.” Working with clients like Halle Berry, Hugh Jackman, Al Pacino, celebrity athletes, and other high-performing individuals, Reg has created more than 40 online and in-person courses, events, retreats, workshops, and training strategies. He is also the author of Be You, incorporating his “10 Vital Keys to Ultimate Health & Success” ™. Since 1986, Reg has provided top-rated and results-oriented, one-on-one professional, corporate, health, and lifestyle programs.I shared my experience working with them for the past eight months because of the dramatic improvements I’ve witnessed in my life due to their support.The goal of this series isn’t merely to pitch their services. However, I see so many people suffering in isolation. The support we need to achieve our goals and sustain joy is more than having an “accountability buddy,” – which still sounds punitive. It’s about discovering who we are and living the truest version of ourselves while in the community of others from whom we can learn and love.Focusing your attention If you ask most people what they want, their answer is simple: “I want to be happy.” However, I prefer Mark Manson’s question in his book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: “What pain do you want in your life? What are you willing to struggle for?”For example, I berate myself nearly daily for not being what I consider a “real” writer. While I’m proud of the Restorative Communities book published last year, it certainly didn’t hit the New York Times Bestseller’s List. I write content for clients because the money allows me to afford an afternoon at a beach bar or purchase a plane ticket to visit a friend. However, serious literary critics do not consider me a writer that should be taught to future generations.Yet, I am “willing to struggle” as an independent writer and filmmaker because, deep down, writing and making films with people I enjoy collaborating with makes me happy.“You have to look at what you do and spend your time there,” Sue says in a more life-affirming, less toxic masculine manner than Manson.For example, Sue points to the people who spend their time working eight to 10 hours at a job they hate because their family expects them to pursue a career, the job pays a lot of money, or they haven’t taken the time to figure out what job they want and how to get it.Such a stance may sound privileged. Only some people have the time or resources to journal or create a vision board about their ideal life. However, from personal experience, I would argue that it’s more expensive not to have a life direction. For example, I found myself in personal and financially difficult situations because I hadn’t taken the time to figure out what was (as Sue says) a “hell yes” or a “hell no” and accepted who or whatever came into my life.Searching for answers“The scary part is most people look for the answers in the issues they’re in,” Reg adds. “The reality is there is no answer because of the choices you made. What we (he and Sue) focus our attention on is what lifestyle you want.”To demonstrate his point, Reg cites the various groups humans naturally join, such as a family, religious group, or sports team.“Who are you within that group?” he asks. “Are you a leader, follower, or someone who’s hanging out because you love the vibe?”Most of us find ourselves in the wrong group. We may blame our family, job, or society for our unhappiness. However, we can’t find the answer to our unhappiness in the circumstances that created it.“For us, the most important thing is to take a step back and ask, ‘Who am I really?” Reg says. “And how do I want to live my best life? You can love jazz (for example) and never go to a jazz bar. Find your vibration and rhythms, and the people, money, opportunities, and relationships you need will be there.”Listening to your higher self Overcoming self-doubt is the single issue plaguing most of their clients.“People think that someone else knows better than them about what’s right for them,” Sue says. “They are not listening to their gut self, their higher self.”Meditation and concentrating and focusing on one’s breath are key to finding one’s center and acting from a heart-centered space that’s right for them.“A lot of the work we do, starts with the breath,” Sue says. “Every breather you take is an opportunity to start again. Every breath you take is an opportunity to release.”In addition, many people are overwhelmed by stress that arises because they push their limits, like overestimating what they can do and underestimating the time it takes.“Sitting in stillness, thinking, and planning about what you really want and moving towards that puts you back in control,” Sue says. “But they also need to have courage, someone they can trust, habits, and learned behavior so they can do things in a big way. Our job is to support people in their process.”