Do These Things When Mistakes are Triggering
Making a mistake can be incredibly triggering. In my journey as a trauma survivor in recovery, I have hated making mistakes. Realizing I’ve made a mistake in the past was a visceral experience. The moment of realization was marked with my nervous system going into overdrive. I felt punched in the gut, unable to take in oxygen, and a ball of panic would grow over my throat. I felt sure that I would be “in trouble.”The downward spiral inevitably followed, about how “stupid” I was, as well as how “stupid” the mistake was and how I “should know better.” More insults would follow, and I would retreat into myself, isolated and alone, which is what I felt I “deserved.”This makes sense, considering that I grew up in an abusive family. My first memory of perfectionism involves sitting at a table as a kindergarten student , bursting into tears because I did not get a smiley face sticker on my paper. In my home, being “perfect” meant that I would not be noticed or seen, and consequently would not “get into trouble.” I still remember that sinking feeling of being found out making a mistake, like being called to the Principal’s office. As I’ve grown and changed over the years, I have figured out ways to process making mistakes so that I no longer beat myself up or isolate myself for simply being human. Here are several things to do when you feel triggered about making mistakes.
Make Mistakes on Purpose
People make mistakes. This process of learning is part of being a fallible human. While we often hear, “Mistakes are natural, they’re part of learning,” our culture does not actually support this process in healthy ways. As individuals - and especially as trauma survivors - it is up to us to learn how to make mistakes in safe and healthy ways.One way to facilitate this process is to try something new. Choose something that you’ve always wanted to learn. Maybe something artsy, like painting or dancing, or something physical, like rock climbing. There are so many possibilities! For me, the new thing has been playing the guitar. And let me tell you, this is an excellent way to practice making mistakes. My brain does not flow naturally in ways that guitar playing requires.But you know what? I love it. It’s fun, ever-challenging, and uses different parts of my brain than I’m used to using. The process of learning how to play the guitar has taught me a lot of lessons about being present in the moment, humility, discipline, trusting my body, and how I learn, among others. Plus, trying something new allows us to make mistakes that are low-stakes.
Practice Making Low-Stakes Mistakes
In addition to trying something new, consider starting small, with really low stakes. This means that whatever activity you choose doesn’t have any lasting or serious consequences. In other words, you feel relatively safe doing it. Maybe nervous and excited, but foundationally safe.For instance, if you want to improve relationships, don't start with getting into a serious, lifelong, committed relationship. Instead, start really small. Subscribe to a meetup or get involved with your community center. Do things that you already have in common with other people - like playing chess, writing, music, painting, reading, walking or running - because doing an activity makes relating with people much easier when there’s already a shared place to start.Starting small means that the mistakes will be small and easier to process, like eating something one bite at at time instead of all at once.
Every Mistake is a Gift
I have long been a fan of trying new things. One year, I signed up to take comedy improv classes. This was at a stage in my life where my PTSD symptoms were so severe that I found it hard to make eye contact with other people.Guess what the very first game was in the very first class? Making eye contact.That class changed my life. One of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned during that class was that every mistake is a gift. Whatever happens on stage with improv performers is simply what happens. No judgment. This is a skill that can be transferred to real life.That class was eight years ago. This simple reframe continues to shape my thinking about mistakes. I might have to dig a little, but I do find gifts as a result of my mistakes.
When You Are Triggered By Making a Mistake
Thinking about and reframing mistakes is one thing, and emotions and feelings are another altogether. If you are a trauma survivor like me, then making a mistake will activate your nervous system. This means that a mistake can send you into a downward spiral of negative feelings, self-talk, and the urge to fight or flight. Here are some ways to calm the nervous system when triggered by making mistakes.Acknowledge Mistakes - Simple acknowledgement of a mistake - without judgment - can feel weirdly comforting. I grew up in an environment where I wasn’t allowed to feel, talk, or acknowledge anything, so now I jump at the chance to say what’s going on, inside and around me. Regulate Your Nervous System - Feeling nervous system activation or feeling triggered is energy that needs to move. Some ways to move this energy is to breathe, talk, or walk. Box breathing is an excellent tool for resetting the nervous system in a short amount of time, and it can be done anywhere.Observe Your Emotions and Feelings - Take a step back from the spiral and simply observe what emotions and feelings are bubbling up. Likely there will be emotions that feel a lot like guilt and shame. That’s okay. Shame wants to protect you from being hurt, and maybe you needed this protection at a different stage of your life. If you no longer need shame, you may be safe enough within yourself to spend time with the emotions and feelings floating underneath the shame.Manage Self-Talk - Our brains trust us and know the sound of our voice. The words that you say to yourself matter. Skip the insults and stick with facts. Look around and say out loud to yourself, "I am safe." Tell yourself out loud, "I am human, I'm allowed to make mistakes. I am safe to make mistakes. My mistakes help me learn. My mistakes make me more aware and compassionate toward myself and others." (Side note: one of my favorite ways to acknowledge my mistakes and keep me from beating myself up about them is to find the humor in a situation. Sometimes my mistakes are hilarious.)Reach Out For Support - It can be hard to stay out of the downward spiral when making a mistake. This is a wonderful time to reach out to people in your support group who can offer words of encouragement and perspective. You are worthy of comfort and gentleness in all times, including during moments of pain. Making a mistake can be a triggering experience for many reasons. With enough practice, we can make our mistakes easier and faster to process.