My Most Awkward and Clumsy Embarrassing Event at My Ex's House
I mean what I say when I state that I am awkward and clumsy.Some ungainly and embarrassing events in my life have included:
- Running into a sliding glass door (BONK)
- Spilling an entire glass of tea on myself (OW)
- While driving a surrey, crashing us into the rear panel of a shiny white Lincoln Town Car (nobody was injured)
These three events happened in the course of one weekend.Other events of my lifetime have included:
- Falling into an underground ancient German baptismal pool (to be fair, the stairs were slippery and it was dark)
- Getting hit by balls in various places on my body while “trying to play” (“hit by balls” = that’s what she said)
- Rolling my ankle when stepping off my porch (regularly rolling my ankles, actually)
- Stumbling down a step of about an inch in height and tearing a quad muscle (this was while traveling; I needed a wheelchair to get through the airport)
- Falling down a flight of stairs wearing only a shirt and underwear (yes, I got a ride in the ambulance for that one, plus a super fun catheter to check my kidneys)
- Sitting on an Ikea slat bed that promptly dissolved (to be fair, it said the weight limit was a hundred pounds, so that one’s on me)
I am LEGIT afraid of getting older as I am clearly a fall threat. I’m 48 years old, and I already take an exercise class for seniors at my community center that is built around maintaining good balance (and I’ll continue to take it until I leave this earth, probably from, you guessed it…falling).
So I Was At My Ex-Husband’s House
I recently encountered an outdoor dining set while attending my youngest son's high school graduation party at my ex-husband's home. To reiterate, I was at my ex-husband's home. At a party. Socializing with friends and family and acquaintances that I did not know well and/or haven’t seen in a long while. As in, these were the friends that he got in the divorce. My ex-husband and his wife had purchased this table and chairs - officially known as the Brown 5-Piece Acacia Wood Rectangle Counter Height Outdoor Dining Set with White Cushions - in 2021. And it was nice, I admit. The table had a smooth, slatted top with tall, sturdy legs that tapered.The matching four chairs looked innocuous. The white cushions covered the wooden seats, but the back of each chair was slatted and the legs were all solid, matching the table. Each piece was stained a lovely walnut color.The seat did not turn or rotate in any way (I checked, due to my history of clumsiness), and it had a footrest. (Hint: if a chair needs a footrest, it’s too tall.) Basically, the chair looked like a regular chair, except taller. Not like the threat it would invariably turn out to be. The Home Depot website description claims that the table and chairs are “convenient” bar height, but even at my current height of 5’9”, I ask you, is ANY bar height chair really “convenient”? No. No, it is not. But I digress.
My Already Fragile Emotions as a Mom
Let’s take a moment and talk about my emotional state at this party.My youngest child was days away from graduating from high school. I had known for a long time that I would be a puddle of tears and grief in the months of May and June before graduation. I was right. In addition, I was at my ex-husband’s house, which used to be my house, too, and there are simply a lot of Big Feelings about being in a house where I had spent years, scrubbed of any evidence of my presence. Plus, my ex and I have a weird relationship. I don’t think it’s any weirder than any other divorced couples with kids, but it’s awkward and there are Big Feelings still. As is expected.
Back to the Table and Chairs
The Brown 5-Piece Acacia Wood Rectangle Counter Height Outdoor Dining Set with White Cushions appeared to be in great shape. I put my purse on the table and chose a chair across from my best friend Christine, who was already seated at the table and enjoying her smash burger.I got onto my tiptoes and slid my hips and butt onto the seat of the chair. It wobbled a bit, and so did I, adjusting.“This feels weird,” I murmured. The chair rocked and each piece wiggled.“I didn’t know these chairs reclined,” I heard someone say.The seat began a slow slide backward, The back tilted forward. My legs and arms kicked wildly in the air, my feet desperate for something to grab.My brain scrambled. I yelled, "WHAT IS HAPPENING?"The chair dissolved beneath me and - PLOP - I felt my ample cheeks hit the concrete patio.
But Did I Die?
I laid on the ground, flat on my back, legs up in the air like an upturned beetle. I was laughing so hard I couldn't move or breathe. One of the only times I have felt grateful for wearing pants.I was also surrounded by people, my ex to my right, my husband in front of me. Hands were out, voices were asking questions: “Are you okay?” and “WHAT happened?”“WAIT!” I gasped, holding out a finger. “Let me be for a minute. Let me laugh.” I could NOT stop laughing.“WAIT!” I yelled again. “SOMEBODY TAKE PICTURES!”“I already have,” Christine said. Ah, nothing like a true bestie.And no, I wasn’t injured. But I was on the edge of the spiral of what I call The Suckage. Because a chair disintegrating beneath you is embarrassing, no matter who witnesses it happen.(By the way, the Home Depot description also says, “Gracefully enter or exit a table centered conversation without worrying about clunking clumsily out of a squatty chair. The elegant bar stools gently help you make your exit and comfortably scoop you back in.”Well, that’s just mean. And CLEARLY FALSE.)
Reframing This Embarrassing Event
Reframing is an important skill for our mental health. This is when you take something that basically sucks, and instead of falling into the spiral of what I call “The Suckage,” taking some time and space to explore other meanings of the event.Did I feel humiliated? No, that’s too strong a word. I was with my ex for 30 years all told, since high school, and he had definitely seen me at my most embarrassing. But this was my son’s graduation party…but again, he had grown up with me, seeing me at my most awkward and clumsy through the years.Embarrassed is more what I felt, and regret that maybe I had ruined my kid’s graduation party for him, even accidentally. Mostly I felt HIGHLY entertained and, quite frankly, confused. Like, what is the deal with being so awkward and clumsy? I long ago gave up the desire or idea that I would be an elegant, well-spoken, smooth, ADULTISH adult. I have worked since I was 15, but I’ve never had a “regular” full time job. I don’t like to own a lot of stuff, and the stuff that I buy and own is often used. One of the walls in my dining room is a corkboard with stickers and cards from places I’ve been and sayings like, “If Tour were easy, it would be called Your Mom” and “Oregon Makes Me Wet.”But the above qualities are kind of what my ex and his wife are like: they are put together, have beautiful things, elegant, clean and neat; their house resembles a Pottery Barn catalog. They both have full-time, regular jobs and can socialize without breaking furniture.As I dug deeper, I realized that I felt so out of place, on top of my grief. And ultimately, my awkward and clumsy fight with the chair was…just ME. I would be who I am, wherever I happen to find myself, and I could accept it or not. I have chosen to accept it. I mean, come on…that stuff is funny. And - I cannot emphasize this enough - humbling and grounding.
The Epilogue
While internally rehashing this event, I wondered if this chair event was the Universe embarrassing me in front of my ex or something.I needn’t have worried.About a week later, I ran right into a bird feeder surrounded by a thick metal anti-squirrel cage while at a party of my husband’s friends that I barely knew (BONK). I was watching the ground to - you guessed it - avoid falling or rolling an ankle.So…no. Being awkward and clumsy is simply part of my charm, the essence of who I am, and these awkward and ungainly events serve to humble and ground me, immediately and profoundly.Side note: I wrote a review about my experience in the required 500 characters on the Home Depot website, and they have NOT published it. I call censorship, but I may be oversensitive in this case.