Advice from a Squirrel

I know you’ve been admiring me. Admit it. You envy my long fluffy tail, my deep, dark eyes, my ability to store a week’s worth of food in my chops. You can dream about it, but you can’t ever be a squirrel. I feel bad for you, actually-- if I were a mere human I would want this life too. But while that can never happen, I am willing to pass on some of my wisdom so that you can apply it to your sad little life.1. Get up early every day and get some cardio in by running up and down tree trunks. Stop unexpectedly and test your karate moves and intimidate predators. Parkour!2. If you think you have enough food for winter, well, no you don’t. Keep hustling.3. People can’t hurt you, that’s a lie. They’re more scared of you than you are of them.4. Those “squirrel-proof” birdfeeders only thwart the weak. If you hang on long enough, you will be rewarded. It's like American Gladiators.5. Don’t let the haters win. Climb the highest tree and wave your nuts at them.